How Do You Deal With Your Anger And Rage At Your Narcissist Ex For All The Destruction And Heartache He Caused?
With as many creative, and ever-evolving, coping mechanisms as my frustrated brain can come up with.
What works splendidly one day may not do shit the next time I need it. There’s really no way to know in advance what will bring me comfort. And what will just piss me off even more.
Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse is a fickle process. Half the time, when I’m in a pit of despair, I don’t even know why.
I’ll have no clue what caused my sudden descent into hopelessness. Not understanding why I’m miserable prevents me from knowing how to process my emotions. Or even what emotions need processing.
If you had asked me this question a month ago, my answer would’ve been different. Because a month ago, I thought I had this shit figured out.
I took pride in offering advice to other survivors. I had learned so much, and come so far, from the broken person I had been. I was proud of my newfound inner strength. My life was good. And I was content to just be me.
But oh, how far the mighty fall.
In the blink of an eye, and with no warning, I reverted to the broken, scared shell of my previous self. All the months of hard work to build up my self-respect . . .
All the strides I’d made to be a survivor, instead of a victim, disappeared in an instant. I found myself broken again, for no apparent reason. And I was powerless to do anything about it.
It was exactly like the first couple of weeks after going No Contact. Like when I went through withdrawal from the trauma bonds. And when I felt paralyzed by the C-PTSD.
The confusion, the doubts, the fears I thought I’d overcome, jumped up and bit me in the ass. I’d managed to survive it all before. But I didn’t think I could do it again.
I didn’t want to do it again.
For almost two weeks, I couldn’t find the strength or desire to even consider trying. So I dropped out of living for a while. I did nothing but wallow in self-pity. And wonder how I had ended up back in hell.
Finally the fog began to lift, and I could form rational thoughts. Once I was able to think clearly, I tried to self-reflect.
For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what had happened to cause the breakdown. So I started reading my Quora answers, blog posts, and journals.
It was like someone else had written them, and I was reading it all for the first time. I re-educated myself on manipulation techniques used by narcissists. Things started to click until the aha moments became overwhelming.
I had almost done it again. Almost fallen into a narcissist’s trap. Again.
Despite knowing better, I’d been ignoring the warning signs. My gut had been trying to tell my heart what my head already knew.
My dad is a Covert Narcissist. He had been actively trying to suck me back into the chaos and drama he always provides.
With acceptance came anger. New rage mixed with old rage, and I felt like I would explode.
I knew I needed to allow myself to feel the pain, in order to exorcise that particular demon. Only then would I be able to move on.
I did a good bit of crying for a day or so. Then, just as suddenly as the darkness had come over me, it evaporated.
With that episode behind me, I see that I still have a lot of healing to do. But I find comfort in the realization that I can protect myself now.
Because knowledge really is power.
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