Coping After Narcissistic Abuse

Quora Answers: How Do You Deal With Your Anger And Rage At Your Narcissist Ex For All The Destruction And Heartache He Caused?

With as many creative, and ever-evolving, coping mechanisms as my frustrated brain can come up with. What works fine one day may not do shit the next time.

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse is a fickle process. I’ll pat myself on the back one week for doing so well. The following week, I may sink into a pit of despair without knowing why. 

If you asked me this question a month ago, my answer would’ve been different. Because a month ago, I thought I had this shit figured out. I took pride in offering advice to other survivors.

I learned so much, and came so far from the broken person I used to be. I was proud of my newfound inner strength. My life was good, and I was content to be me.

But oh, how far the mighty fall.

In the blink of an eye, and with no warning, I reverted to the broken, scared shell of my previous self. All the months of hard work to build up my self-respect . . . 

All the strides I’d made to be a survivor, instead of a victim, disappeared in an instant. I found myself broken again, for no apparent reason. And I was powerless to do anything about it. 

It was exactly like the first couple of weeks after going No Contact. Like when I went through withdrawal from the trauma bonds. And when I felt paralyzed by the C-PTSD.

The confusion, the doubts, the fears I thought I’d overcome, jumped up and bit me in the ass. I’d managed to survive it all before. But I didn’t think I could do it again.

I didn’t want to do it again.

For almost two weeks, I couldn’t find the strength or desire to even consider trying. So I dropped out of living for a while. I did nothing but wallow in self-pity. And wonder how I had ended up back in hell.

Finally the fog began to lift, and I could form rational thoughts. Once I was able to think clearly, I tried to self-reflect. 

For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what had happened to cause the breakdown. So I started reading my Quora answers, blog posts, and journals. 

It was like someone else had written them, and I was reading it all for the first time. I re-educated myself on manipulation techniques used by narcissists. Things started to click until the aha moments became overwhelming.

I had almost done it again. Almost fallen into a narcissist’s trap. Again.

Despite knowing better, I’d been ignoring the warning signs. My gut had been trying to tell my heart what my head already knew.

My dad is a Covert Narcissist. He had been actively trying to suck me back into the chaos and drama he always provides.

With acceptance came anger. New rage mixed with old rage, and I felt like I would explode.

I knew I needed to allow myself to feel the pain, in order to exorcise that particular demon. Only then would I be able to move on.

I did a good bit of crying for a day or so. Then, just as suddenly as the darkness had come over me, it evaporated.

With that episode behind me, I see that I still have a lot of healing to do. But I find comfort in the realization that I can protect myself now. 

Because knowledge really is power.

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