I’m not really a big fan of rules, but I felt like I better have some basic guidelines for this site. That way, anybody who stops by will have an idea of what they’re getting into.
Plus, they’re good rules. I think everybody should follow them.
*Please Note: We’ve updated our site rules, effective 12/3/21.
Disclaimer: I often post content that’s offensive to people who have a stick up their ass. If this includes you, please go away.
Otherwise, kindly remove your stick before proceeding. I’m not responsible for replacing your underwear if I shock the shit out of you.
Rule One – A Sense of Humor Is Necessary.
I recommend a nice, twisted type of humor, but untwisted is fine. We accept all kinds.
Rule Two – No Jackasses Allowed.
Not to be confused with regular old donkeys, because they’re welcome here. As long as they’re well-behaved and don’t doodoo on the floor.
Rule Three – Perverts Are Allowed, With Prior Approval.
Anyone sending pecker pictures will be banned. I don’t like strange weiners in my inbox.
Rule Four – Visitors Must Know How To Laugh.
I love funny stuff, and I’m a firm believer in the healing power of laughter. It soothes your soul and restores your spirit. For me, there’s nothing quite like laughing so hard, you almost pee on yourself.
If you’ve forgotten how to laugh, maybe I can help. Try taking your mannequin grocery shopping. If you don’t have a mannequin, get one. I took Erma to Walmart, but you can choose any store, as long as it has people in it to gawk at you.
At the store, put your mannequin in the child’s seat of your shopping cart, and talk to her while you shop. Vent to her about the high price of lard. Tell her about a new recipe you want to try, but you’re afraid it’ll give your husband gas. You know, just regular stuff.
Yes, people will look at you like you’re crazy. And yes, it’s a little embarrassing. But that’s to be expected, all things considered. The important thing is that you will laugh. A lot. Like I did, in this video.
Erma and Serena’s Big Adventure
Rule Five – No Live Chickens, Narcissists, Or Other Kinds Of Monsters.
Fried chicken is okay, if you bring your own, since I’m not much of a cook. Plus, we don’t exactly have a kitchen, since this is a website. Anyway, just make sure the damn chicken is already cooked.
Rule Six – Visitors Should Expect An Abundance of Sarcasm.
See examples below.
Rule Seven – No Sweeping.
This is a precautionary rule, since I’m clumsy. I could accidentally drop another urn. And I’m still traumatized after what I did to poor Grandpa Fred. May he rest in peace.
You come from dust. You will return to dust.
That’s why I don’t sweep. It could be someone I know.
Rule Eight – Must Be Willing To Do Somewhat-Crazy Shit.
Maybe I didn’t actually buy the bus. But grand theft auto sounds kind of bad. Anyway, if you want to hang out with me, there may occasionally be some sketchy shit involved. Okay now, who’s joining me on the bus?
Rule Nine – Don’t Make Fun Of My Mannequin’s Head
It’s come to my attention that someone said Erma is cranium deficient. And maybe they called her a headless dummy, but I won’t mention any names (least of all, my own).
Needless to say, Erma was very upset. So, I decided to cheer her up with a makeover. Let me tell you, the transformation was remarkable. If I do say so, myself.
Unfortunately, it gave the haters more ammunition. Now they’re saying Erma has the big head. Are you kidding me? She barely even has a head.
Rule Ten – No Complaining About Dumb Shit. Positive Attitudes Only.
On second thought, just don’t complain about anything. It’s so much better that way.