Narcissists Ignore Restraining Orders But You Better Have One

Why Do Narcissists Ignore Orders of Protection?

Narcissists ignore restraining orders because they think normal rules of society don’t apply to them. They consider themselves superior to the rest of us mortals, and far above those pesky state and federal laws.

My Malignant Narcissist ex-husband only obeyed laws if they didn’t inconvenience him. He followed a few, occasionally. But others, like restraining orders, he ignored outright.

The first time he was ordered to stay away, I was naive enough to think he’d actually comply. Within two days, he proved me wrong, waltzing through the door like nothing happened.

“Did you really think a piece of paper would keep me away? I own you, sweetheart, and no damn judge is going to tell me I can’t be with my wife,” he said.

I should’ve called the police right then, but I didn’t. I was brainwashed by my Narcissist husband, and in complete denial. His sweet, charming demeanor convinced me that it hadn’t been that bad. The gun he shoved in my mouth wasn’t even loaded.

I told myself it was my fault too, for provoking him. And when the court date came around, I was a no-show, thereby voiding the restraining order.

alt = Narcissists and other perpetrators of domestic violence use emotional appeals to get victims to drop restraining orders. Instead of using threats, they gain the victim’s sympathy by pleading to their empathetic natures.

A study in the Journal of Social Science and Medicine found that most victims of domestic violence drop restraining orders because abusers appeal to their sympathy.

I may not have appeared in court that day, but I still sent a message to the judge and prosecutor. I inadvertently told them not to take me seriously the next time.

The narcissist got a slightly different message. He saw my choice not to go to court as giving him consent to abuse me. That decision later underwent a radical transformation.

According to him, the whole thing was one big lie on my part. For whatever reason, I made up the whole story. And if I did it again, I’d be the one going to jail.

It’s not logical to me now, but back then, his intimidating tactics worked. We both knew I’d told the truth. Yet, I was scared of facing charges for filing a false report if I went to the police again.

So, I didn’t. Not for several years, anyway, and it took a major injury to my child and myself to do it then.

Protective orders don’t keep you safe if a Narcissist is determined to abuse you.

Warrents were issued for his arrest, and a judge granted an order of protection. Mostly, I asked for it to cover my ass. The Narcissist chose not to go to jail, instead becoming a fugitive. Colton and I went into hiding, praying the cops would find him before he found us.

I knew the narcissist would find me. And when that happened, there was a good chance one of us would end up dead. If I survived, then the piece of paper he’d once ridiculed would protect me from going to jail.

Four months later, he found us. Not because he loved me, and definitely not because he felt any remorse. No, he planned to convince me to reconcile and drop the charges. Then he’d get retribution.

I’d decided that my days of being his punching bag were over. Colton and I had a safety plan in place, and fortunately, it worked. The narcissist who’d abused me for years finally went to jail.

Protective orders aren’t a deterrent to a determined Narcissist. Still, they’re necessary. My advice to anyone in a similar situation, is to get a restraining order, but have a detailed safety plan in place.

Don’t take a chance that your abuser won’t hurt you, especially if you’re dealing with a Narcissist. Because they’ll look you in the eye and smile while they cut your heart out. And as you lay dying, they’ll tell you it’s all your fault.

Read my answers to questions about Narcissists on Quora.


How Do I Know If My Husband Is A Narcissist?

My husband has all the signs of being a Narcissist, but is caring to our son. Could it be something else? What kind of therapist should we go to?

Originally Answered On Quora.

If your husband is a Narcissist, your son is probably the golden child. I’m basing my answer on that being the case.

Growing up, my oldest son was the golden child of my first husband, a Covert Narcissist. Tyler was blessed with both physical beauty and intelligence. His father saw this as his crowning achievement, and bragged, unashamedly, about his amazing child.

The narc put Tyler on a pedestal, showered him with gifts, and refused to discipline him.
If I tried to correct our son, his father became enraged, and belittled me in front of the child. (We divorced before Tyler was four.)

Golden children are held to unreasonable standards, and Tyler fell short of perfection. By the time he was ten, the narc verbally abused him regularly. He’s an adult now, and unfortunately, a Narcissist himself.

As far as therapy, I don’t recommend going with a Narcissist. They turn everything around on you and triangulate you and the counselor. Instead, go for individual counseling with someone who specializes in treating Narcissistic Abuse.

If you’re still not sure if your husband is a Narcissist, the following list should help you decide. Keep in mind that no Narcissist has all these traits, and the list is not scientific. It’s what I’ve observed over the years in my own relationships with Narcissists.

32 Warning Signs You’re In A Relationship With A Narcissist

*Please Note: The use of masculine pronouns is for the sake of simplicity. Narcissists can be male or female.

  1. You fell in love quickly and were soon together almost constantly.
  2. At the beginning of the relationship, you had the same interests, likes, and dislikes. You believed him to be your soulmate.
  3. As time passed, the things you had in common changed dramatically. He no longer liked the same music, movies, etc.
  4. His ex is a crazy, jealous stalker who is still in love with him.
  5. He whines and complains about trivial things.
  6. He’s rude to waitstaff and people he deems to have no value.
  7. He’s extremely self-centered and only wants to talk about himself.
  8. He manages to find fault with everybody and calls people vile names.
  9. He completely lacks empathy.
  10. Because he doesn’t approve of your friends and family, you rarely see them anymore.
  11. He’s never wrong about anything and thinks he’s smarter than everyone else.
  12. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions and never apologizes for anything.
  13. His stories don’t add up, to the point of being ludicrous.
  14. He may claim to have skills and talents beyond human capability.
  15. When he smiles, it doesn’t reach his eyes.
  16. He makes a lot of promises but rarely, if ever, keeps them.
  17. His actions and words don’t match. He says he loves you, but he treats you like a nuisance or afterthought.
  18. He often disappears for days at a time for no apparent reason. When he returns, he offers no explanation for his whereabouts.
  19. When he’s with his friends he seems to always lose his phone, forget it somewhere, or have a dead battery.
  20. He becomes enraged if you point out discrepancies in his stories and accuses you of twisting his words.
  21. He is extremely hypocritical.
  22. He gossips about his friends, family, and acquaintances in a backstabbing manner
  23. He accuses you of horrible, immoral behaviors and actions.
  24. He acts loving and caring one minute but instantly turns on you.
  25. He thinks household chores are beneath him and expects you to clean up after him.
  26. You can never get him to resolve issues. You politely explain your position but he turns the conversation into a recap of your faults and mistakes.
  27. He’s cruel to animals and children, including his own.
  28. He doesn’t respect your privacy and feels entitled to your valuables and possessions.
  29. He tells the same old stories repeatedly and expects you to listen intently every time.
  30. He abuses drugs and/or alcohol, but accuses you of being an alcoholic and/or junkie.
  31. He can’t stand to be alone and wants to be surrounded by people who stroke his ego.
  32. He deliberately puts you in situations that provoke jealousy and insecurity.